My Experience So Far.

I had my first panic attack almost 5 years ago, I can still remember it so clearly. I was sat in my room, waiting to fall asleep when I felt my chest tighten and the control of my breathing had gone. So off I went crying into my mum's room. The next day we did what everyone does when the slightest inconvenience of their health occurs, google it! Of course with such typical symptoms, along came the A word, anxiety. I can't really remember suffering much after that until year 9 came. Year 9 was when it really kicked in, appointment after appointment and tear after tear. It completely took over my life. At such a young age I had no idea how to explain my feelings to a professional, let alone my friends, I still don't. I couldn't get myself out of bed for days upon days, I dread to think what my attendance was that year. I was referred to a specialist for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and I hated it. I didn't understand how I was meant to perform these coping mechanisms when I couldn't even catch my own breath. I had never felt so low, until now. I felt like no one understood, people couldn't understand why I couldn't just get up and go to school like everyone else. I understand why as it's such a complicated and grey area. I don't think you'll ever properly understand unless you experience it yourself. But somehow, with the help of my family, I got through year 9.

Things cleared up during year 10 and 11, who'd have thought I'd sit my GCSE's anxiety free! But I did. But unfortunately, it's reared it's ugly head once again, which is why I've decided to write this blog. To let it all out and explain to others. During the end of my first year of sixth form, I decided I didn't want to go to Uni and wanted to leave sixth form to do something I love. This came with a lot of stress and upset from making such a hard decision and the lack of understanding from others. I have been so low over the last month or 2, the lowest I've ever felt. I've said things and thought things that absolutely terrify me, but that's OK, it's just a thought. I've recently had to reach out for help again due to the circumstances of my thoughts and actions dealing with my anxiety. However, things are different this time. I'm older and now dealing with depression alongside my anxiety. It's common that they come hand in hand however, I never thought I'd have help regarding it. I feel embarrassed and a lot more vulnerable now. There are too many jokes that surface social media regarding depression and depressive thoughts that make me feel so embarrassed about it, even though when I rationalise of course I realise how common it is!  So from now on, I'm using this blog as a space to reassure others that they're not alone and it is not something they should feel embarrassed by, whilst I receive my own help.

Neve x